I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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