birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
