I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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