I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
