Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My dick has a subreddit
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
