there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
