I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
