the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I will die if light touches me.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
