now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
