dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
