There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
