I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
