Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
