where am i from again
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
