I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
