normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
