Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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