I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
