Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
