The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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