my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
