that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
