Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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