oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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