I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
