i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
