if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
