my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
