Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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