You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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