The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
