True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just pee around me
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Everyone says I win the strip club
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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