she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Randomize
