I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
