Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
someone owes me an orgasm
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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