I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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