we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
