y did u give ur computer a hand job?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
