do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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