I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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