well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
