Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
