whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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