my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
