"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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