i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
