She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
