A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
