Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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