he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
