so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
