roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
