I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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