Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
