So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
