She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
