also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
